The lack of writing is indicative of where I am – I don’t feel like I have anything worth saying…and that slips into feeling I am not worth anything (isn’t it amazing how easy it is to slide down that path…).

I feel hopeless – I’m consumed by grief. I know the right things to say, but actually believing them and living them are proving difficult.

The only things I have control over relate to me – I can choose where I spend my time, I can build the relationships that matter to me, I can invest in things that bring me joy and life. I can throw myself into these things and onto the mercy of God, who’s grace I’m relying on to see me through. These would be some good choices. And no one can make them for me, they’re up to me.

And yet, as much as I know it doesn’t help me, it’s too easy to look at my ex: the ease with which he has moved on…the support he has around when he’s the full time parent for the weekend…the difference between our circumstances. Not such a good choice – it brings sadness, fear, feelings of not being enough and a dollop of despair.

I know the choice I should make and yet too often slip to patterns that don’t help myself. I’m hopeful that acknowledging this is the first step to making the change. I can be beautifully transformed.