Friends asked me after court how I was doing and I would think for a minute and answer “fine”. I wasn’t weepy, I didn’t feel overwhelmed (at least not most of the time)…there were no huge emotions. Then I realized I wasn’t feeling anything… I was numb. It was how I coped, I guess. It seems such a clean, simple event – there was very little fighting, we agreed things fairly easily, the court attendance was scary but straight forward and I managed not to cry while sitting in the witness box. I was numb – that was the only way I could carry myself after stating to the judge that there were irreconcilable differences in my marriage and I was requesting a divorce. I was asking for something that wasn’t my first choice – I felt like I’d been pushed into the corner and it was my only option that gave me some control over the situation.

Control…sometimes that’s over-rated. It doesn’t always bring peace and certainty! This part is done – now we wait for paperwork and then more filing and dealing with changing titles etc. It stretches on out! Having lost my Dad in no way prepared me for the death of my marriage – with death, the person is gone, there’s no-one physically left her to get angry at. Not so here – there’s the trauma of the death of the relationship, however the person is not out of the picture, especially with a kid involved! I’m hoping that once the numbness passes, the grieving process will be quick.

Tomorrow I go to court for the first time in any case.

I’ve only ever been inside the courtroom for a wedding a few years ago and more recently to observe some mediations.

Tomorrow I go to court as the plaintiff in divorce proceedings.

This still feels a little surreal. And when I realize that this is really happening there’s an overwhelming wave of sadness and fear for what the future holds.

Holding on to truth is hard…what a difference a day makes! Right now my mind is gripped with these two emotions: sadness and fear – they’re holding tight and envelop all else tonight. I wander from distraction to distraction, hoping that I can make it through, that the darkness won’t consume me.

Tomorrow…

It’s been quite a couple of weeks. And this week, I’m sure, will be no exception it seems.

I’m not quick to embrace change, especially at the moment when my life seems like there is so much uncertainty. Last week I learned that our rector is leaving – it’s a good move for him, but he’s been someone who’s walked with me through these past few months: connecting me with people, helping me navigate through, encouraging me, being a father’s voice (much missed with my own Dad passing away 4 years ago) – the thought of the void his move will leave is unsettling. And yet, I know that it is God who provided this person to support me during this time, and He doesn’t change – He is still my provider and I choose to trust, even thought there is so much uncertainty. In fact, if there wasn’t the uncertainty there would be little need for trust!

These next seven days are going to be about change in my life. This Wednesday sees me going to court, at which time the dissolution of my marriage will be finalized -there are so many emotions tied up with that, mainly sadness and shame…and they are weighing heavily on me as I look forward to the next few days. I have space on Wednesday after court should be done to be with friends and grieve – I’m grateful for the time and the friends who have come alongside me in this. And then I look on to the weekend – Sunday will see me confirmed at St. B’s…a new beginning…a marker to where I am building community…a commitment to continue on this journey. It’s not taken me where I thought I would be going…and that’s ok.

And in these past few months I’ve found so many truths expressed musically, that resonate with my soul and stick better than words alone. This week I’m choosing to focus on truth…and I’m glad of my piano (albeit an out of tune old thing…but it accompanies me ok!) to sit at, play, sing and let the deep truths wash over me:

I am a new creation, no more in condemnation, here in the grace of God I stand.

And the weird thing, was that as I sang these words of truth…true because of who God is, not what I’ve done or who I am or what my status is…I found that the following words started to resonate…

My heart is overflowing, my love just keeps on growing, here in the grace of God I stand.

It’s true – as I look ahead to Wednesday, with the official ending of a relationship that I’d committed to “’til death do us part” I’m not feeling much of an overflowing heart, at least not with love, maybe with tears. And yet, as I let the truth of who I am in Christ – how much my Heavenly Father loves me, my heart did start to expand. And the heavy, grouchiness of the day started to disappear. With integrity I could sing…

And I will praise you, Lord, yes, I will praise you, Lord,
And I will sing of all that you have done.
A joy that knows no limit, a lightness in my spirit,
Here in the grace of God I stand.

(thanks to Dave Bilbrough…I think this was a song I first sang at summer camp!)