I just returned from a retreat that took the image of a wilderness for the journey after divorce. It was a good weekend, though not the easiest – facing where I am isn’t the most comfortable at the moment. I had thought that after almost 2 months I was coming to terms with “divorce” – but then I found out that my ex had moved on to a new relationship and moved his girlfriend in with him. The feelings of hurt, worthlessness and failure were all stirred up…I wanted to somehow race away from this place…where are the good things for me!

And yet, there are some cairns on this journey to point the way, and they encourage me that the path through this isn’t short, but has markers that those who have traveled before me have left to show the way – the way to healing and ultimately fullness of life.

So I entered the retreat at just the right moment, with just the right people around – it wasn’t what I’d planned (I’d meant to go the previous month), but it was definitely the right time and place.

Truth was spoken – the hard truth of where I am, with the knowledge that there were others walking right along beside me – and the truth of who I am. The purpose of this journey, to transform me, to take me to a place that I couldn’t have got to any other way. But there’s work in this journey – letting this build my character rather than defining my life, finding my purpose and identity, knowing the approval of God, allowing the truth to set me free (and not just my version of it), keeping on keeping on and committing to love earnestly and intentionally, leaving the old story and habits behind. Emerging to the future beautifully transformed, wearing my scars for I know they are a testament to grace and restoration. My story isn’t finished!

 

I got to spend almost two weeks back in the UK with my daughter. We were with family for most of the time and it was wonderful. So welcome to be embraced and loved, cared for and supported. I’d deliberately decided not to try and travel around to see lots of people, but instead to focus on some close friends and enjoy the time with family that my cousin’s wedding facilitated.

It was great and sad – wonderful to see my daughter with her cousins, aunts, uncles, granny, great aunts & uncles…and yet also sad when I looked at life there, realizing that I can’t go back and that I’ve lost so much of who I was. It was sobering and encouraging to go through boxes of old letters, mostly from people I’m not in close contact with anymore, and read the things they talked about and said about me. Who is this person who wrote long letters that they responded to? Where is she…can I find some of her life again??! It was hard to leave – my family truly are a rock. And the history that had been remembered was challenging me to bring the things that matter to me into the now.

I’ve recently been looking at the Enneagram model, which has been giving me a lot of insight into who I am and what that means. On their scale, I’m a 9…a reluctant one, but the more I read about it the more I realize that it describes me! This type is the peacemaker…sounds great, but really for me it’s been a lot about ignoring my preferences and adopting those of others…and then getting resentful and frustrated. Much of my journal writing over the past few years has been “who am I?”…what is it I like, what do I want to do…really, what do I WANT, not what do I think others think I should want. There are so many layers and I keep peeling back more and more, and realizing that there is some great treasure in the 9, but also some unhealthy character traits. And at the moment I have the space to explore that and become the best version of myself I can be.

I keep on being drawn back to this – beautifully transformed, wearing my scars!